To Logan

Not trying to be a debbie downer here today but I think about some somber things, probably more than I should, but that is me. Anyway, I often think about how I would go on living if something ever happened to Logan. I know I would, as many many many people have done, but it just kills me inside to think about it. But sometimes what actually makes me feel even worse (but to be honest, both of these thougths often wake me up at night and keep me up) is what if something happened to me.

I do not worry about Logan not having a great life, he has a daddy that loves him, an abeula that loves him more than all her 4 children, and auntie lisa & uncle shawn that treat him as if he was their own child, and many many many many more family members that would love him forever and give him the life he so deserves. But I think, what if something happened to me when he was this little, how would he ever knew how much I loved him and how much joy he brought to my life. I know he would hear stories and see pictures and read notes on my blog and facebook if he wanted to get an idea, but its not everything. For months (or perhaps 20 months) I have thought about writing a letter to him incase anything did happen. He could read it and know what I really felt and how much he meant to me, but just the idea of writing it brings me to tears and I dont know if I could ever get anything down. A friend of mine said to make a video that way he could see and hear me (and that it might be easier), but all he would see is me crying like a baby :) I do want to write the letter but I just dont know if I will be able to. I guess it doesnt need to be something incredible and beautifully written, it just needs to be my feelings, but it still is a little overwhelming to me.

But one day on my way home from work I heard a song on my iPod that I thought was beautiful and it brought me to tears (I have become a wuss, I know). I actually mentioned it on facebook and few other moms said they also cried and had to stop. But I also hear some songs that are happy and also really encompass my joy and make me think of logan. There are also some songs that I remember hearing and dancing and singing to with Logan. I like music, and want him to like music, and I feel like music is a big part of my day. So I thought until I have the courage (or the words) to write that letter I could document the songs that make me think of him and moments we spent together. I know there are more, but I am going to just start with the 2 that always make me think of him and show my love.

"In My Arms" by Plumb
"Say Hey (I Love You)" by Michael Franti & Spearhead

One song is the sad one that made me cry in the car.

The other is a song that was playing on my iPod when Logan was just learning to laugh. I was doing the dishes and he was in his bouncy seat watching me and when I would sing and come close to him he would smile, laugh and kick his feet. It was great!